MISS AMERICA: U MAD, WHITEY?

by Andy Nowicki

So, out of fifty hot pieces of ass, they went with the swarthiest, most foreign-looking ass of the bunch.

Mighty white of them!

Yes, that's right... In case you hadn't heard, Miss America has gone out of its way to acknowledge the "ethnic other" this year. Out of the typical bevy of beaming babes putting themselves on display last Sunday night in that inimitable, adorably pre-feminist manner – widely grinning, regally waving, strutting their formidably sexy stuff in sparkling evening dresses and curve-hugging bikinis, and guilelessly delivering vapid answers to stupid questions from judges, in the best beauty pageant tradition – the assessors of the 2013 event (which included out-of-the-closet NSYNC-er Lance Bass; what the hell does he know about girls, anyhow?) chose the one from New York; the exotic, masala-flavored chickadee of the litter, a 24-year old named Nina Davuluri.

THE WILY SHITENESS AND SLYLY WHITENESS OF MILEY CYRUS

by Colin Liddell

Well done, Miley. You've finally done it. I was trying to ignore you, like all the rest of the dross and mulch that is forced through the rotting intestines of the frankly dead music industry, but your latest little vid seems to have snaggled onto the broken shards left by the departed consciousness of Western civilization and has gone viral, so you must be doing something right, you little minx!

DREDDING HOMOSEXUALITY

by Colin Liddell

When last I read the sci-fi comic strip Judge Dredd, back in its 1980s heyday, the character seemed to work just fine without a psychological, emotional, and sexual back story.

There was enough fascination in unraveling the details of a 22nd-century world where America had been reduced to a couple of crime-ridden megacities separated by a radioactive wasteland full of mutants (Red States and Blue States, anyone?).