MY FRIEND JFK

by Barack Obama

As President of these United States a lot of you probably think that I am far too busy playing golf to write articles for Alternative Right, but sometimes it rains and, gee, it sucks playing in the rain, even with my White flunkeys to hold up the golf umbrella. So, when my old friend and fellow hipster Richard Spencer asked me to share my thoughts on the 50th anniversary of John F. Kennedy’s assassination, how could I refuse?

JFK, or “that dumb honkey who got wasted,” as we respectfully refer to him in the Obama household, was undoubtedly one of the greatest Presidents of these United States, whose abiding legacy of hope shines a light across the decades to unveil the endless possibilities of this great nation.

How was it possible, we may well ask ourselves, that a young man, a nobody not a somebody – not Black like me, admittedly, but underprivileged nonetheless – could win undying fame in a mere instant simply by pointing a rifle out of a humble book depository window and squeezing – as so many of our forefathers have done – a trigger (although most of my forefathers preferred a stick with a rock tied on the end)?

How was this possible? Because only in America is it possible to have such hope, such dreams. Only in America could a young kid, who had served his nation faithfully by defecting to the Soviet Union for a few months achieve greatness. And only in America could another young kid from the slums of Jakarta, of dubious international parentage, like myself, rise to the top at a time when Presidential security had – thanks to the previous guy’s misfortune – become so much better.

So I say to you, my fellow Americans, and to AltRighters the world over, on this dark anniversary in our nation’s history, when we remember the life of some rich honkey who was a lot less gayer than me, that we must not lose sight of the larger American story, a story in which complete nobodies can suddenly shine out and become a beacon to the ages. With that in our hearts, we can all hope someday to pull off a similar achievement.