ELECTION RHETORIC: THE FULL-ON WANK

by Andy Nowicki

As election day nears, you the American voter must realize the immense power you have been granted by your dear, beneficent rulers to make a difference in this world.

(Don’t you dare roll your eyes at my use of that admittedly overwrought cliché—what are you anyway, some kind of miserable elitist who disbelieves in the inherent goodness of the common voter or the efficacy of the democratic process or the wisdom of the majority or something? Oh, you say you didn’t really roll your eyes, you just cast a reverent look upward to Heaven to thank God you were born in the United States of America? That’s good. Maybe I’m just a little oversensitive. I do get passionate about this stuff. Can you blame me?)

Yes, the crucial day of decision is Tuesday, November 6, so remember, please, to report to your local polling place on that day and cast your vote for the candidate I’m endorsing, the one who represents purity, goodness and integrity, the one whose party is striving mightily to put a stop to the wickedness and skullduggery so prevalent in American politics today. Unfortunately, the opposing party just keeps on ruthlessly promoting their own corrupt self-interests and resolutely refuses to do the will of the American people (which of course is always of necessity the right thing—see the note regarding the “wisdom of the majority,” above). But this can all change, if with your help we elect the candidate and the party that I’m endorsing, whose identity should by now be perfectly clear.

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Remember, first of all, that your vote matters. Oh, yes. Yea, verily. It does. Only annoying, freedom-hating pukes would draw attention to the proclivity of crooked officials from both parties to commit election fraud, discounting as many inconvenient votes as possible whenever they can get away with it. No, this is America (fuck, yeah!); persisting in cynicism about how our great system works is simply unpatriotic; in fact, such dastardly skepticism amounts to the blatant commission of a repugnant hate crime against all the heroic American warriors who gave their lives at Guadalcanal and Normandy Beach and Fallujah and other far-flung places across the world. If you don’t vote, or worse, if you disparage the veryact of voting, that means that these brave men died in vain, and their blood is onyour hands, you pathetic, apathetic reprobate!

Refraining from voting is, in fact, like spitting in the faces of the firemen who died on 9/11, while slapping a high-five with Osama Bin Laden, while urinating copiously on the Stars-and-Stripes, while blowing your nose on the Declaration of Independence, snickering maliciously all the while. Not rocking your “I Voted” sticker on election day is morally equivalent to shooting Martin Luther King in the face whilst raping Anne Frank’s corpse. You really don’t want to be seen as that kind of asshole, do you? So just vote already, will ya?

One thing you can bank on: your vote, once cast, will almost certainly make a decisive difference in the outcome of the election. In fact, plenty of presidential and congressional contests have been decided by exactly one vote. (“Which ones,” you ask?... and, “When has such a scenario ever come close to occurring?” you querulously prod, like the smartass freedom-hating puke that I imagined you were when you first rolled your eyes at me. Well, don’t trouble me with demands for particulars, you cursed troublemaking nitpicker! I’m only making a rhetorical point here….)

Finally, please remember that this is the most important election EVER!

The stakes have simply never been higher… Oh, I know I said this in ’08, ’04, ’00, ’96, ’92, and ’88 too (as well as a few times before then as well), but this time I really mean it, and this time, it’s really true. (I know I said that same thing all those other times as well, but this time I’m really lingering on the point, which makes the urgency more palpable and helps to really demonstrate my sincerity.)

Today, after all, we stand at a crucial turning point as a nation. If we get our guy elected, then there is still time to stem the dark, sinister tide of infernality that threatens to engulf us all, but if the other guy wins… well brother, you may as well gather your family, break out the Jonestown koolaid, and make a toast. It’ll all be over but the shoutin’.

Yes, the choice is a stark and simple one. After all, our political party is good, and our rivals are bad. If our candidate doesn’t win, and the bad guy candidate does, then evil will be enabled to establish a beachhead that will henceforth prove impossible to repel. A Manichean fight to the finish is about to ensue, the outcome of which will determine the survival of everything holy and decent. So be sure your stomach gets tied up in knots as you ponder the grave implications of the nearing apocalypse. God bless America, land that I love.

Now stop rolling your eyes at me and smirking and refusing to get caught up in the hype. And quit making that rude, obscene wank-pantomime with your hand. This is serious, I tell you. Hear me now, believe me later!