DIVERSITY RAGE: ARE YOU AT RISK?

by George Whale

You've heard of road rage, air rage, office rage and computer rage. Well now there's a new rage spreading across the UK – and you'd better learn to control it, because it can get you locked up.

It's called diversity rage (DR) and it's what happens when people explode from pent-up anger at finding themselves foreigners in their own country. Consequences for transgressors are unpredictable, but can include tut-tutting, official condemnation, fines, even sacking or imprisonment.

Native British people account for 99% of DR cases in the UK; however the recent appearance of DR amongst minorities shows just how serious a problem it's become.

What can be done? Well, there are Government programmes to help us love and embrace diversity; but where voluntary education isn't enough, compulsory re-education in prison can do the job of curing DR and changing behaviour.

Before multiculturalism gets you raging and carted off to jail, take our simple questionnaire below to see if you have a problem.

DIVERSITY RAGE: ARE YOU AT RISK?

1. Stepping onto a packed bus, you realise that you're the only English person on board. Do you:

a) Whoop with joy that inner London's vibrant multiculturalism has finally reached your neighbourhood.
b) Sit quietly in a corner seat, trying not to draw attention to yourself.
c) Fantasise about hijacking the bus, driving it to Dover, hijacking a ferry and dumping the bus in Calais town centre.

2. The local mosque is blasting out the call to prayer so loudly that you can hear it from your garden half a mile away. Do you:

a) Respectfully turn your garden chair towards Mecca.
b) Telephone the imam and ask politely if he might turn it down a tad.
c) Set up a stadium PA system opposite the mosque and play Led Zeppelin full volume until the police come to arrest you.

3. You meet a minority person in the high street wearing full traditional garb. Do you:

a) Congratulate him for retaining his own culture and rejecting oppressive Western styles of dress.
b) Direct him to the nearest gents' outfitter.
c) Demand to know why in God's name he's still in his pyjamas at three in the afternoon.

4. Walking through your local street market you hear a dozen different languages but no word of English. Do you:

a) Put your earphones on and listen to music.
b) Grumble under your breath and get away as fast as possible.
c) Get a T-shirt printed with the slogan: "You're in England now SO SPEAK ENGLISH!"

5. TV news announces a fresh wave of immigration from Eastern Europe. Do you:

a) Sack your nanny/ cleaner, hire a cheaper one and break out the champagne.
b) Wonder how your grown-up children are ever going to find work.
c) Write a furious letter to your MP demanding that the UK Border Agency be replaced by the British Army.

6. You discover that your child is being taunted at school for being one of the few English kids there. Do you:

a) Immediately enrol him in Urdu/ Bengali/ Polish/ Ukrainian language classes.
b) Ask for him to be transferred to another school.
c) Complain to the headmaster that you're sick and tired of your child being treated like an alien in his own country, that the school should clamp down on this kind of racist bullying and while they're at it go back to teaching British history and culture like they used to, instead of all this multicultural shit. Then wait in his office until the police arrive to arrest you.

7. Your child comes home from school reciting verses from his new Koran. Do you:

a) Get out your own copy and recite along with him.
b) Ignore him.
c) Rip out the pages and hang them from a piece of string in the smallest room.

8. An MP appears on the BBC extolling the benefits of mass immigration. Do you:

a) Nod in agreement.
b) Switch over to Emmerdale.
c) Throw your dinner at the screen.

SCORING

If your answers are mostly (a): You are a new model citizen who has truly embraced diversity. Harriet Harman and Diane Abbott would be proud of you!

Mostly (b): You show worrying signs of inappropriate anger. It's time to book an appointment with a hypnotherapist who can help you to love and embrace vibrant multiculturalism.

Mostly (c): You are at serious risk of diversity rage, and should immediately seek medication, enrol on a rage management programme, or better still emigrate to a remote part of New Zealand where you won't cause any more trouble or ask awkward questions about immigration policy.