HOW TO NOT GET SHOT BY THE POLICE

by Bob Steinberg

[TRIGGER WARNING: Whitesplaining]

With the amount of police shootings liberals are complaining about these days you’d think that a black man can’t walk outside without getting brutally massacred by cop. In fact, that’s what some liberals are actually saying. But even if you’re black, it’s actually really easy not to get shot by the police. Furthermore, there are steps YOU, as a black man, can take to not only avoid getting shot by the police, but to avoid negative police interaction PERIOD!

At this point, you’re probably asking “But Bob, HOW do I not get shot by the police?” Let me start with my credentials. I have a quarter century’s experience in not getting shot by the police. For years, I’ve been able to not only avoid getting shot by police, but I’ve been able to generally avoid negative police interaction period. Now, you may be on the verge of a pavlovian response, ready to scream “WHITE PRIVILEGE” as your liberal slaveowners have told you to scream–before you do, let me tell you that yes, I did utilize White Privilege, and you can too. I’ll get to that.

Stop fucking listening to these people. They do not have your best interests at heart. We do.

First, here are a couple of steps you can take RIGHT NOW to avoid getting shot by the police.

1. Don’t shoot at cops.

No!

Really, really common mistake. Even seasoned pros like Vonderitt Meyers are capable of making this fatal error. The reasoning behind this one is simple: if you shoot at a police officer, they are going to shoot back at you, probably killing you (they are actually trained in the use of firearms). So, if you see a police officer, don’t shoot at him, even if you did do something wrong or unlawful.

2. Don’t beat up cops.

No!

Another all-too-common mistake. If you physically assault a cop, there is a very large chance that they will opt to use lethal force. It doesn’t matter if you’re unarmed or are carrying a knife or other weapon. If a cop feels that their life is in danger, they are going to fucking shoot you. So stop it before it starts: don’t beat up or attempt to attack an officer of a law in any context whatsoever.

3. Do what the police tell you to do.

No!

If there is a gun sticking in your face, and a police officer is screaming at you to put your hands in the air. Actually put your hands in the air and follow all further commands. DO NOT under any circumstances reach for the gun, or airsoft pistol, sticking out of your pants. I don’t care if you’re 12 years old and it doesn’t matter if it’s a toy gun. Don’t fucking do it. Ever. It will get you shot.

4. Stop dressing like a criminal.

Yes!

Seriously, clothes go a very long way. If you’re an inner city street urchin, get yourself a nice sweater vest and pants that fit. Wear them in public. Get some nice shirts that fit. DO NOT steal them. This brings me to my next point.

5. Stop acting like a criminal.

If every interaction with police involves you shifting around and constantly saying that you “Did not do anything,” you are giving off the exact OPPOSITE signals that you want to give off. Speak proper english. Go to school and do not skip classes. Do not be a huge piece of shit in class. Go get your GED if you dropped out. Get a job. Don’t point your modified airsoft gun at bypassers. Perform none of the actions seen in this video:

6. Stop actually being a criminal and encourage your buddies to do the same.

If you stop being a criminal and your friends stop being criminals and their friends stop being criminals, maybe the police in YOUR neighborhood will stop treating you like criminals. This may not work in the next neighborhood over, because after all, black people commit the most crime and murder per capita of any group in the entire country, but it could work in YOUR neighborhood!

The last three in particular are a great way to mimic a lot of the benefits of white privilege. After all, most white people aren’t criminals. Meanwhile, one in three black men are going to go to jail at some point in their life. If you want to change the way black people are viewed in America, the answer isn’t burning down your local Quiktrip on the insistence of white communist sympathizers–the answer is changing yourself.

Hopefully, this guide will help you in dealing with police officers in your neighborhood. Next time you have an interaction with one, make it a positive one, and be sure to thank them! After all, they are working really hard to clean up your crime infested inner city community.